Damned If You Do Damned If You Don't
by Nigelcat1
Summary: Sequel to The Diet which must be read first. Thinking they were safe from discovery, Harry and Barty go shopping and accidentally meet up with Voldie thus revealing they are both alive. Will they escape or be dragged off for Voldie's judgment.
1. Chapter 1

DAMNED IF YOU DO; DAMNED IF YOU DON'T

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

NOTE: You must read _The Diet (Revised)_ first as this is the sequel to it. I know I should work on my other stories, but I had a sudden inspiration and _The Diet_ (which I am resubmitting due to chapter corrections, etc.) is one of my earliest and favorite works. Please read if you are so inclined. Thank you.

Chapter 1 – A Sticky Wicket

When last we left our heroes, they were in the process of picking up their new wands and having a very enlightening chat about this and that concerning wand craft with Wand Master Gregorovitch, when who of all people showed up but Lord Voldemort, a/k/a the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, the Darkest Wizard of the 20th Century, or at least that were some of the names that he was known by – that were repeatable in polite company. Others were given to him by those who were not his…fans…such as Moldy Shorts, Voldie, Ole Redeyes, Snake Face and others too numerous to mention.

Then there were the names that he really hated to be called, usually only by Albus Dumbledore, starting with Tom, Tom my dear boy, Tom-Tom, Naughty Tom, Tomikins, Tommy-poo-poo (which had been the very last straw) and his birth name of Tom Marvolo Riddle. There were also other names such as the aliases he had used during his life as well a few given to him by certain…females, starting with his mother while he was still in the womb that he somehow remembered hearing in utero. The only love of his life had also given him some "cute names" as he did with her but that was all in the past and it actually hurt him to remember.

Voldie had gotten everyone's attention by accioing the new wands and since he had incapacitated the two wizards he considered his property, he nonchalantly addressed Gregorovitch.

"I am here to pick up my order and will pay you extra for giving me these nice…presents."

Poor Gregorovitch was too shocked to say anything and he just stood there wondering how he was going to get out of this and if the two frozen wizards would think it was a setup on his part. It wasn't, but it did look like it since had he not delayed them from leaving to chat, they wouldn't have been in the shop when the Dark Lord arrived. But they didn't know that and Gregorovitch's only consolation was that they had already paid for the wands and the other things they had purchased.

Finally Voldie had enough and snapped Gregorovitch out of his reverie by once again demanding "I am here to pick up my order so SNAP TO IT."

Gregorovitch hastily ran to the back of the shop to get the order so then Voldie turned to face his "presents" to do a bit of crowing. However, as he turned to face them, he got another surprise which was not pleasant.

It seemed that Harry Potter was so upset, shocked and just plain scared out of his mind that he unconsciously did a bit of wandless magic and unfroze himself. As Voldie turned to gloat, threatened or whatever he was planning on doing, Harry acted on pure instinct and gave old Voldie a swift kick to the family jewels. Since Voldie was unprepared for any attack, especially a physical one as only Muggles did that, he doubled over and Harry continued with the assault by punching him for all he was worth, in the stomach, face and who knows where else as Harry was running on automatic.

A final punch knocked Voldie out cold and Harry grabbed their wands, unfroze Barty and they ran out of the shop as fast as they could. They ran to the car, which Barty, with new wand in hand, shrunk the car and placed it in his pocket. He hadn't bothered to look to see if anyone was watching but grabbed Harry and apparated away to a point near the Chunnel, unshrunk the car, they got in and drove to that newly opened wonder and towards home.

They didn't talk to each other until after they disembarked and their taunt nerves finally crashed. They stopped at the first rest stop for petrol and refreshment as Barty stated "If I don't get something to steady myself, I will explode."

They both got a large bowl of ice cream (to help coat and settle their stomachs as Barty considered ice cream a miracle cure), some lucozade and a few fizzy fruit drinks for the road. Barty said that although it would take longer, it was safer to drive instead of apparating as "I'm surprised I didn't splinch us both when we left." Besides, Barty liked driving and it would get his mind off of the trouble they were both in. Fortunately, they had all of their belongings in the car as they were going to go home after getting their wands.

"I don't know who I fear the most" Harry said, trying to joke (and failing) "Voldie now that he knows we are both alive or Aunt Petunia if we didn't show up with the telly and other things."

"We can always stun your Aunt but as to the Dark Lord…I am expecting a summons any second. In fact, I am quite surprised that I haven't been called yet or that every Death Eater is on our trail."

"Maybe he is still out cold?"

"Or better yet…you killed him AGAIN" Barty hopefully replied. You did hit him very hard and I think his head might have hit the front of the counter."

Although Harry didn't like the thought of killing anyone – even Voldie – it would probably be for the best if he was dead. That way Magical Britain would be safe – or rather safer, considering his experience of this world.

Finally they arrived at the cottage to be greeted enthusiastically by Winky and even Petunia who asked "Did you get everything?"

"Yes, and more than we ever expected" Barty said.

They weren't allowed to rest or eat until Barty hooked up the telly and pacified Petunia. Now they had cable and Petunia was in her glory. She could (and did for the first 36 hours) watch television continually. This magical cable was much better than the one Muggles in Britain had and she sat zombie-like for 36 hours straight before finally falling asleep. Winky had set some food and drink in front of Petunia who automatically ate and drank. The only time she moved from her telly-trance was to use the loo. She hadn't asked Harry or Barty about their trip but that was a relief as they had much more to worry about.

After installing the telly, Barty immediately dragged Harry to their make-shift potions lab and started brewing. "I have confidence in your new found skills that you are capable of brewing several potions which might be needed, such as your nutrient potions, pain relievers, blood replenishing, etc. If you can't or don't have time, send a disguised Winky to the apothecary in Fairy Lane in Dublin."

"Now I want you to watch me brewing the draught of living death because once I am called, the pain will be too much for me to handle. Hopefully this potion will relieve my pain enough so that I don't suffer too much. However, if you witness me in distress, please spell pain relievers directly into my stomach. I am brewing two of the living deaths and one counter and after ten days use the counter to revive me. Oh, have Winky monitor me during my sleep to see if I have been called and if so, how often."

But Murphy's Law once again kicked in as Barty didn't have all of the necessary ingredients to brew the two potions and the revival. Winky was summoned (as she was still at Hogwarts) and given a list of ingredients and a few other odds and ends to buy in Fairy Lane. Once she left, Barty began to write a list of instructions for both Harry and Winky to follow in a worst case scenario. If nothing else, the man was efficient and planned for any possible scenario.

While Barty wrote, Harry fixed them a nice dinner. Barty was too busy to eat it saying he wasn't hungry. Harry said yes he was and he WOULD EAT as it wasn't advisable to take such a strong (and dangerous) potion on an empty stomach. So Barty stopped to have his meal and attempt to relax. However, any good that the meal and rest had done was for naught after Winky returned with news no one wanted to hear.

"Both apothecaries in Fairy Lane were out of several of the necessary ingredients. This elf was told that someone, who sounds like it was Professor Batman, bought all of many things. Then this elf went to Diagon and Knockturn Alleys disguised as a male elf only to be told by even those in Knockturn, that elves were now forbidden to purchase anything from any apothecary unless they had a not…notaz…."

"Notarized" Barty said.

"Yes Master that is the word all used. The note must name the wizard/witch who is requesting these things and he/she must first go to the Ministry for identification and with the list which will be studied and questions asked to see if certain ingredients were allowed. This is done even in Knockturn Alley."

"That sounds like Dumbledore's meddling" Barty sighed. "Either that or Lucius has talked Fudge into doing this so that certain valuable and/or necessary ingredients can be denied to people not following the Dark Lord. In any event, now Winky must go to the Continent to buy these things and she has been away from Hogwarts long enough. If she is missed…."

"Dobby would go" Winky said. "He is very happy with his new family and has the time to run such errands. He can meet up with me for the list and money, do the shopping and call me at midnight for pickup. "

Barty was not in favor of the plan but Harry and Winky vouched for the elf so it was done, as they didn't have much choice. However, it took two more days until Barty had his order but since he had not been summoned he was happy but Harry…well he wondered if he really did kill Voldie – again!

Winky was being forced to stay at Hogwarts more and more because since Dobby's disappearance, the elves were being monitored. She usually showed up after the nightly cleaning of the castle but now all elves had to report into the head elf for roll call. Barty checked her every time she came for trackers but it was a given that it was only a matter of time before one was put on her.

The day after Dobby returned from the errands, it happened – or would be happening the next morning. She had overheard the elves assigned to the Heads of House and Infirmary that "The trackers will be administered before breakfast tomorrow when weese all have our breakfast."

Naturally the elves were angry with this new development but there was nothing they could do as they lived to serve Hogwarts and had to obey all of the Headmaster's commands. As one irate elf opined "Why doesn't he just put tracker on that free elf Winky as besides the disgraceful Dobby, she is the only free elf and is here at Headmaster's command 'for the Greater Good' of hises."

Winky immediately left and reported in knowing her spying days were over. At least she was tracker free and had been of some service to her masters and her dear friend Dobby had a nice, loving family and could do certain errands and spying. He still had contacts and a mother and sister at Malfoy Manor so he could find out why Voldie was summoning Master Barty.

Dobby and the others would be shocked when he found out what was currently happening.


	2. Chapter 2 - Where Oh Where Can Voldie Be

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 2 – Where Oh Where Can Voldie Be?

Much to Barty and Harry's relief, for some reason Voldie had not summoned Barty. It had been six days and although they were grateful, they were also worried. Why? Why had Voldie not called Barty? Harry feared that he had, again, killed Voldie and although Voldie being dead would be a good thing, Harry felt guilty.

He had been devastated when Quirrell had turned to ash after touching the scared boy, but Dumbles had been rather…what's the word? Ah yes, _blasé about Harry offing one of his teachers. He was given platitudes but no real comfort, let alone any type of counseling. Instead he was sent back to the Dursleys for a summer "holiday" of chores, verbal, physical and psychological abuse and short rations once again._

 _Harry had gotten used to eating regularly, especially of fresh food very well prepared and editable. There was plenty of food to be had at Hogwarts and he could have his fill unless, of course, Ron used his boardinghouse reach to grab something Harry wanted. Ron did not share food unless he had to. If he liked something…well look out and watch your fingers if you tried to get to it before him._

 _During the past summer when Harry had been cooking his late uncle's "special American footballer diet_ " he got to eat better than he usually did at the Dursleys and Petunia had bought (for her and thus him) fresh fruits and veggies which he noshed on along with the few leftovers. Also, he had _to taste the food to see how it was turning out_ , so he did very well. Until Winky came to them full-time, Harry had been doing the cooking and Barty had been pleasantly surprised that the Boy-Who-Lived cooked and baked so well. But now Winky was here to care for her wizards (and an aunt) and Harry knew better than to enter a house elf's kitchen except to eat.

So waiting for the expected summons, Harry and Barty ate well, brewed the necessary potions, continued Harry's lessons and on occasion watched the telly with Petunia. All things considered, she was now quite happy – except for the absence of Dudley. She knew that if Barty and Harry "rescued him" from his jailers, that with her love and motherly care, she could reform him and make him into a decent man. Of course, she fully expected to be "helped" by the two wizards using their magic and potions to accomplish her baby's metamorphosis, but at the moment they were concerned with their own problems. She hadn't bothered asking what was wrong as she didn't particularly care and no doubt would really want to know.

Barty and Harry were not the only ones worried about Voldie's absence. His faithful wondered where he was and had been waiting for orders. He had been very…what's the right word? Ah yes, secretive and much more than he had been before 31st of October 1981. He had been going off on his own and not telling anyone where or for how long he would be gone. The orders he had given had been followed and the Death Eaters were waiting for a summons so that they could give their reports and start doing the "mischief" that they wanted to.

Nothing had been heard from the Dark Lord for nearly a month and his _truly faithful_ were beginning to worry. Several demanded an emergency meeting to be at Malfoy Manor and although he believed that no news was good news concerning the Dark Lord, Lucius fought the motion. In fact, he actually forbade any meeting until the Dark Lord returned. _Since he considered himself in charge of all things during any absence of the Dark Lord_ , _he considered the matter was closed and expected all to obey him._

He would be quite surprised that a meeting was held and not at Malfoy Manor. Lucius, Crabbe, Sr., Goyle, Sr., Pettigrew and Severus Snape were not invited because many distrusted Snape and Pettigrew and Crabbe and Goyle would tell Lucius. A very democratic vote was taken and Avery was named leader until Voldie returned. Then they got down to the serious business of planning.

It was decided that the faithful would look for their Lord because many feared he had been captured or killed again and considering his fury for not being looked for all of those years, no one wanted to risk further punishment. If he came back once, he could do it again and those who found him would be well-rewarded. Opinions were asked and discussed and decisions were made.

Assignments were given and another meeting was arranged to occur in three days whether or not their Lord was found or any word heard. Although no one would admit it, except to their own self, it had been the most productive meeting the Death Eaters had held, at least since the Dark Lord started going insane.

Thus, at the next meeting when all assignments had brought no news or any clues as to what had happened to their Lord, other ideas were brought up. Although it had just squeaked by with two votes, it was decided to free the faithful from Azkaban.

The rationale was that despite Voldie's direct order that his resurrection was to be kept top secret, since Potter's death Dumbledore had used his influence and power to bring the "truth" out in the open and the sheepeoples were starting to believe. It was opined that if the faithful were freed it would probably shock Dumbles, as no doubt Snape told him of Voldie's disappearance. Then, hopefully, the Dark Lord would hear of it and come racing back to see what the hell was going on.

In any event, the faithful would be freed – which their Lord was planning on doing anyway – and hopefully some would not be too insane or weakened to be of use and other non-faithful could be recruited to the Dark Side for obtaining their freedom. Any who wouldn't join or were too far gone would be put down. If nothing else, Dumbledore would be led to believe that Voldie wasn't missing and was still active and a definite threat. Also, it would give the Death Eaters something positive to do and drive Lucius Malfoy crazy when he found out!

All that Snape had been able to report to Dumbledore was the Dark Lord's increased secretiveness, his anger at Potter's death and that he had been missing for too long that the Death Eaters were worried.

It had been enough for Dumbledore to form several hypotheses, all strangely of benefit to him. He didn't think that Tom was dead because Snape's dark mark was still strong. However, after hearing that he had "fined" Lucius a very large sum for causing the destruction of his journal (which Voldie claimed was the Slytherin Grimoire) he could be touring the world looking for new magic and rituals to perform, which could take years, but that would give Dumbles time to make new plans.

Also, his wanderings could also see him getting into trouble which his hubris wouldn't expect and he could be captured and held for ransom or captured and used for his captor(s)' own nefarious purposes.

Lastly, he just might have decided (Dumbles hoped) to "take the money and run" and leave his followers and Britain in chaos. Granted, he could gain more power and eventually return after Dumbles died because EVERYONE KNEW that Dumbles was the more powerful wizard and could crush him if he so desired.

Okay, anyone with an ounce of common sense (so very rare in Magical Britain) might point out that if it hadn't been for Baby Harry defeating him in 1981, Voldie would have won. But as usual, Dumbles had turned his publicity machine up to full blast and despite Harry being the Boy-Who-Lived, Dumbles was still considered to be the leader of the Light and if Harry had ever (publically) defeated Tom, old Albadass would still be given most of the glory. If it was done in secret…well no one would know exactly what happened just like the first time.

However, Potter's death changed everything. That brat was so inconsiderate as to mess up Dumble's long and carefully made plans. There was still the Longbottom brat if he wanted to use him as the "Real Boy-Who-Lived" but for the moment, he wouldn't do anything unless things changed drastically.

He was still recruiting but since Tom wasn't cooperating and was hiding and not allowing his followers to do anything that the public would hear about, things were slow going. He debated about having some of HIS faithful dress as Death Eaters and create some mayhem, but those who had done such things for him in the last war were mostly dead.

Ergo, for the moment he would wait for Tom to return and if he didn't, then on Halloween "something" dreadful would occur and when Dumbles announced that "Voldemort has returned" people would listen and the war could officially begin.

He smiled at this plan, popped a lemon drop in his mouth and headed down to dinner.

So where was the wizard of the hour? He who was affecting so many lives at the moment by his absence?

He was finally being allowed to regain consciousness. He had a horrible headache and although he was lying down, he was dizzy. He was dressed in hospital attire and was hooked up to various machines with flashing lights and making strange sounds. He didn't have a clue to where he was or, much more disturbing, who he was. He was also very thirsty and hungry.

A door opened and three people in lab coats walked in. They hovered around him and two of them were checking the machines and making notes. The third person asked him in German "Who are you" but the person in the bed replied in the same language "Who are you?" and "Where am I and why am I hooked up to those machines and WHY IS MY BODY BOUND WITH STRAPS AND OTHER THINGS?"

"You are in a very secret research laboratory, where you have resided since you were brought in by the local police in a state of…shall we say...confusion. You were going in and out of consciousness and your vital signs were…fascinating. To better treat you, will you tell us your name and country of origin as you were muttering in English and also…hissing?"

The man thought and then responded "I…I…don't really remember. I can't remember my name or what I was doing, where I was or…anything."

The third man gave a loud humpruff and the other two came to him showing their written reports on the patient's current state. They didn't exchange any words, just the knowing looks of people who have worked together for a long time.

Then the third man asked "You seem to have amnesia probably due to a severe head injury, but even though you don't remember your name, can you at least tell us WHAT YOU ARE?"

"What do you mean? I am a man, what else could I be?"

A small mirror was thrust in front of him showing his image. He promptly screamed and then fainted, leaving the questions asked unanswered and new ones to ask.

NOTE: Sorry for the delay but I have experienced a family death, various destructions, a friend's emergency rush to the hospital and who is still in critical care, the loss of a friendship, said person not being a real friend of long standing (who is a real #*$#&#&*) and poor Peeves is being hacked and the Internet keeps crashing. I hope to update my other stories soon.


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